I have Fibromyalgia.
Although I wasn’t diagnosed until 2007, I’ve had it since I was about
10, so I’m not sure I remember how to live without it. The difficult thing, however, is to remember
to live with it.
I don’t recall my last day without pain. I know that my first pregnancy was almost
pain-free, and my second pregnancy nearly was –- I mainly battled fatigue during
that one, but I honestly can’t remember what it’s like to not hurt, even though
I know I’ve had some decent days in the past.
Most days I wake up, take stock of what’s aching, decide
it’s an acceptable level of pain and then get up and go anyway. I’ve done that for many years now. It’s how I managed to hold down a full-time
job for so long. But some days the pain
isn’t just an ache.
Sometimes the pain is like last night, a hot throb
throughout my entire body, sort of like a giant toothache. I sleep for about 29 or 30 minutes, wake up
wrapped in pain, deal with the agony for about 2 hours and then doze back off
again, mainly out of sheer exhaustion.
I’ve had this pain pattern on and off for years. I’ve always assumed, since the naps are
almost always to the exact minute, that this pain has something to do with my
sleep cycle.
Then there’s the pain like I’m having today. It’s a weird buzzing, like I’ve got static
electricity running throughout my entire body.
It’s not the big jolts like you get when someone’s just crossed the carpet
in the middle of winter and then touched a doorknob. This version of pain is non-stop -– a constant
buzz that is aggravated by anything that touches me. This is the day when it hurts to wear
clothes, so I sit around in frumpy cotton stuff. I don’t care what it looks like. All I know is that there are times when soft
cotton is the only thing that prevents me from slaughtering quite a bit of the
human race.
There are sharp pains, shooting pains, even short and
long pains. There’s just pain, and there
are times when it’s easy to get lost in it.
I want to just curl up in bed and cry it away, but crying doesn’t
work. I want a hug of comfort, but hugs
hurt. The pain never goes away, so I
have to find ways to cope.
I try not to give in to the pain often. There are times when I do, when I just stay
wrapped in my blankie, cocooned in my soft bed.
Then there are times when I challenge myself. “Let’s see how long it takes to get to the
bathroom.”
Hey that wasn’t so bad!
Now, let’s see what I have to do to fix some breakfast. I bet I can do it. I just have to pace myself. I try not to think about the entire day, the
week, or anything even close to that. I
just focus on the next task at hand. It
doesn’t seem so daunting then.
I also think of those that have it worse than I do. Yes, I hurt.
Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I can’t
even remember where my socks are, but I’m alive, I have a roof over my head,
and my sons are healthy and doing well.
I could have it worse, much worse.
Plus, there are a few things in this world that never
fail to bring a smile to my face. My
sons are one. I love those boys. The Hounds of Hell, heck, even when they’re
aggravating the daylights out of me, can usually make me smile. Titan and his pitiful ears – just picture Jar
Jar Binks. Lil Bit and her bursts of
furious energy, she runs around squeaking her toys and having the time of her
life. The sound of a baby’s laughter –
how can you not smile at that? Kittens
at play and National Lampoon’s Christmas
Vacation, they both make me laugh as well.
I guess it’s a just a question of changing my perspective on bad days.
It’s difficult to make plans with friends. I can’t schedule my days. They’re affected by everything – the weather,
whether or not I take my meds on time, my attitude, you name it. I always want to do things with friends, but
sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I’m
exhausted and can’t stay awake. Sometimes
it’s other cruel tricks my body plays.
Today, I couldn’t focus my eyes.
I was forced to squint at everything, and that ends up causing a
headache. Sometimes it’s my balance, and
I stay close to home, so I’m not out falling in public. It’s bad enough to fall and get hurt, but it’s
humiliating to stumble in public like you’re drunk and then fall flat on your
face in front of people.
Some friends understand if I cancel at the last
minute. Others don’t and stop coming
around. Fibromyalgia certainly does
teach you who your true friends are.
I try to get out and about on my good days. There’s usually quite a bit that needs to be
taken care of, so I pace myself – do what I can, rest, do a bit more, rest,
etc. I just have to remember not to overdo
because that will bring on a flare, and flares aren’t good. Nope, not good at all. That’s when everything goes on hold.
Fibromyalgia interrupts my life. I just have to remember to not let it stop
it. Sometimes I have to remember to
live.
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